photo cred. pexels

The month of February has arrived, when many of us begin to think about how we will express love to those who mean a lot to us on Valentine’s Day. Grocery stores are stocked with cards, flowers, candy, and balloons.  Restaurants run specials hoping to entice us with food and beverages. All of these ways to tell someone they matter, a tangible way to say I love you.

How do you express love to someone who has hurt you, filled you with feelings of anger, fear, and sadness? And what if this person is your teen or adult child?

This was my dilemma. One Saturday afternoon, while several hours from home, I received a call from the police. Shocked and puzzled, I wondered why they would be calling me? The voice on the other end explained that my 18-year-old daughter was in the hospital for self-injury, admitted to a psych ward for her welfare, but against her will.

What Do I Say?

Renee had been living on the streets of Orlando, crashing wherever she could: on a friend’s couch, under a shelter in a park, or in unlocked cars parked in neighborhoods. We never knew where she was. Occasionally, we would hear from one of her friends, full of concern about her welfare.

In silence, I headed to the hospital in Orlando. No radio, music, or conversation to distract my roller coaster of emotions. Feelings of deep sadness washed over me, followed by confusion over what could cause her so much pain that it drove her to cut her flesh. While I drove, I prayed, “Oh Lord, what do I say? How do I respond to my daughter, to this desire of self-harm?”

I sensed the Lord say,

photo by
Saisin Tipchai from pixabay

“Tom, I love you unconditionally. I love Renee unconditionally, too. Nothing is able to separate either of you from my love. Tell Renee how much she is loved.”

When I arrived at the hospital, I found her room and entered with a determination to love her. She was lying on the hospital bed in the typical gown. Tears flooded her eyes when she saw me.

“I’m sorry, Daddy, please don’t be mad at me.”

I whispered a silent, quick prayer, Lord, help me be sincere, truthful, and genuine. I walked over to her bedside and leaned over to put my face close to hers. I wanted to be sure we had eye-to-eye contact.

“Renee, I love you. I love you unconditionally. Nothing you’ve done or has been done to you will ever change my love for you.”

We held each other and cried. This was a milestone in our relationship.

Of course, I loved her before this, but anger, frustration, and conflict strained our relationship. She had become a stranger in our house. Weary from the arguments and constant testing of our boundaries, it was a relief when she left our home, although I hated the way it happened. I worried, prayed and hoped she would be like the prodigal son in the Bible—that she would come to herself, repent, and return home.

Our Relationship Was Different

This hospital stay wasn’t the last time she would take a razor to her arms. In the years that followed, Renee would be in and out of hospitals and treatment centers. But our relationship was different. Our clashes became less frequent. The angst and animosity that often accompanied them diminished. Disagreements were less intense. After our loving encounter that day, I knew whatever would happen in the future, good or bad, she was secure in our love for her.

I could get caught up in the drama and negative emotions. I could be consumed with words of correction and criticism, constantly barraging her with truth bombs. But is that the most important message I wanted my daughter to hear?

Expressing love to your wayward son or daughter can be difficult. Your attempts might not change their behavior, but they might change your relationship with them, and that’s when love becomes more than a Valentine—much more.

Pray. Ask God for the right time. Be sure you have their attention and share your unconditional love from the heart. I’m grateful to God for his prompting, reminding me that he loves me like this, and that he wants me to love my child the same way, no matter how hard it is.

This Bible verse is one of my favorites:

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).

What are some ways you have shown love to your son or daughter? Did it make any difference in your relationship?

*Today’s post was written by Tom Yohe