photo cred. Claudio Schwarz on unsplash

“I hate the holidays! They just make me feel worse than I already do. I want to ignore them or not acknowledge them at all, but no one understands.”

Thanksgiving and Christmas are hard when you’re a parent in pain. Already struggling to get through ordinary days, now they have to figure out how to survive the holidays with a troubled child. Ugh. Full of anxiety and sadness over their child’s destructive choices and problems (alcohol and drugs, mental illness, gender dysphoria and pornography, self-harm, legal troubles, etc.), they see no hint of change in the near future. They’re terrified the troubles will never end.

When my daughter wasn’t doing well, I wished I could skip the holidays or fast forward to January 2nd. Can you relate?

Parents like us don’t feel thankful or festive. Lacking the energy to pretend, we can’t even fake a better mood. All we can think of is how unhappy we are about our child, how God hasn’t answered our prayers, or how exhausted we are from the battle.

My husband and I discovered these five tips that helped us survive the holiday season.

5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays:

1) Lower expectations – this will help you be content with how your holidays pan out. Maybe your child will be pleasant; maybe they will call; maybe you’ll see them or maybe not. Let go of what you want from them and do what would be special for you. If anything good happens, enjoy the surprise.

2) Consider doing things differently – if former traditions will cause you to feel sadder or will be too difficult in light of your current situation. That’s okay. Create a new plan. You can still make special memories with other family members, friends or by yourself.

3) Avoid social media – hearing about others’ happy homecomings and seeing photos of their family gatherings can intensify your pain. Envy and comparison rob us of joy and peace. Why not take a break from social media? You might decide not to return.

4) Focus on others – look for a way to help someone in need, who’s depressed or lonely. Generosity and kindness are natural mood lifters. Keep it simple. Ask God for ideas: send a card, make a phone call (rare these days) or take a small gift. Shifting the attention from yourself to others blesses you in return. A friend suggested: “Shift the focus of your joy.” What wisdom for us. However, we can’t do this in our own strength, but God can help.

5) Be grateful – express thanks no matter how you feel. Purchase a small notepad and start a gratitude list or journal. Be sure to note small matters, not only big ones: a delicious cup of coffee, relaxing music, a beautiful sunset, etc. On difficult days, looking back over your entries will be a source of encouragement as you recall God’s many blessings.

“Gratitude turns what we have into enough.”

~anonymous

photo cred. Dena Yohe

ENCOURAGEMENT FROM THE BIBLE

Practicing these five tips requires a strong level of trust in a God who is sovereign and good no matter what he allows in our lives. We need divine help to apply these ideas. The Bible is full of encouragement for discouraged, depressed people who don’t think they can do hard things. This verse boosted my spirits on more than one occasion.

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior… (Habakkuk 3:17-19a) NIV.

Nothing was going well for the farmer spoken of in Habakkuk. There were no buds on the fig trees. No grapes on the vines. The crops had failed. The fields were unproductive. The sheep or cattle were gone. Everything looked hopeless and yet … there was something unexpected in the heart of this man.

Relentless trust in God that resulted in him making the choice to be joyful.

What is the remedy for a heavy heart during the holidays? Relentlessly trusting in God no matter how bad things look and choosing to rejoice in him –In who he is and what he has done. Does this sound impossible? It did to me, but be encouraged, dear parent. With God, all things are possible (Matt. 19:26).

THE BENEFITS

God doesn’t want us sad or stressed. But in our humanness, he knows how we struggle when our children are not doing well, especially during the holidays. However, if we can lower our expectations, consider doing things differently, take a break from social media, focus on others, and choose gratitude, we will reap the benefits. What could they be? More contentment and peace.

More contentment and peace. Oh, how we need that. But that’s not all. God will help us choose joy — a joy that’s not contingent on circumstances. Real joy that comes from him … yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior… (Hab. 3:17-19a).

I need a big dose of contentment, peace, and joy after the past year of my husband’s batte with cancer.

What about you?

Dear friend, my hope is that you will practice some of these 5 tips so that you will reap the benefits. If you do, in spite of the circumstances with your child, I believe you will have a greater appreciation of the goodness of God. But you may need to start small by doing one or two, not all of them at once. That’s okay. Do what you can and it will still make a difference. I think I’m going to look for someone who is hurting and give them a small gift, maybe anonymously. That would be extra fun.

Ask God for guidance and see what happens.

This song about God’s goodness encourages me to remember what he’s done for me.

**Which tip do you want to try? Maybe you’ve done one of them before. Did it help? I’d love to hear from you! 

Recommended Resource: One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp (annvoskamp.com).