photo cred Nadia Hristova on unsplash

With the passing of another Father’s Day last month, my dad has been on my mind. He was a precious man who lived until he was 92. One of a kind. The best father a kid could ever hope to have. He lived a full life. He loved well and left a legacy to be proud of. I was truly blessed to call him my father, my daddy. My mom died almost 27 years ago, and since I have no brothers or sisters, I’m the only one left from my family of origin.

How strange to have no one in your life who shares your childhood memories or those of your parents. The grief I experienced at the loss of my last remaining parent was painful. My sweet dad lived with my husband and me for 6 years until his health failed and he couldn’t be left alone anymore. Then we moved him into an assisted living home not far from us. I thought I was prepared for his homegoing, but when that day came, the loss was still heavy.

WE’RE GRIEVING

My journey through grief reminded me of you, dear friend. Parents whose children struggle with mental illness, an addiction of any kind, self-harming behaviors (cutting, eating disorders, etc.), are incarcerated, have gender identity issues, etc., are also grieving. Did you realize that?

We feel the pain of grief most of the time. The losses, the aching of heart and soul, affect both our bodies and our minds, our entire being.

What we experience is the same as though our children have died:

• Loss of sleep.
• Fatigue and low energy.
• Feeling “off”, not like ourselves.
• Decreased ability to concentrate and focus.
• Functioning at reduced capacity with a diminished ability to handle extra stress.
• Fragile and dull emotionally.
• Physical symptoms: headaches, backaches, high blood pressure, intestinal issues
• Easily irritated. A short fuse.
• Depression and anxiety; possibly panic attacks.
• Tears come easily, sometimes unexpectedly, not knowing what the triggers are until they happen.

PERMISSION FOR RESPITE

photo cred. Jon Eckert on unsplash

What we need is to give ourselves permission to make time for respite.

The dictionary defines respite as: “a short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.”

Oh, how we need relief from the difficult and unpleasant experiences we’ve endured. Dear friend, please take time to pull back. To rest when you can.

Do less. Take it easy. Al-Anon has a great slogan I like a lot. “Easy does it.”  I think this means we need to be kind to ourselves. It’s alright to say no to what we would usually say yes to. Simplify your life. Stop doing all the extra activities that you possibly can. You’ll be amazed how good it feels to have the time and space to feel your feelings, to relax and slow down.

It’s okay. We can do this. This is a temporary season until we regain our equilibrium and rebuild our strength. We need to develop the habit of doing what replenishes us. Refreshment for me is being out in nature, listening to music I enjoy, taking a nap when I need it (almost daily now that I’m getting older), watching a favorite movie, reading a good book, having tea with a friend, taking a long walk early in the morning, or working in the yard. An occassional outing to the beach works wonders too. Sometimes I’ll go to a local plant nursery to gaze at the flowers, taking in their beauty.

Extended time alone with God replenishes my soul in a way nothing else can. Reading the Bible, resting in His presence, and letting Him love on me, are what I need most. Being silent and still before Him. Doing this renews me. It’s life-giving and refreshing in a deep way.

FINDING RESPITE

What refreshes you, dear parent? Can you remember? Where and how do you find respite? I have a challenge for you. Get a piece of paper, or use your phone, and make a list. Then plan some of those activities into your weekly schedule, even just one of them.

Are you an artist? Then paint, draw, color (there are many cool adult coloring books these days and paint by number kits), or go to a museum.

Do you play an instrument? Then get out your guitar, keyboard, clarinet, or drums, and play. Make music. But don’t criticize how it sounds.

Are you a singer? Then sing those songs you enjoy. Listen to your favorite tunes and hum along. Go to a concert, if possible. Summer brings all types of free concerts in local parks. How refreshing.

Is exercise your thing? Then go for a run, a walk, a hike, swim, lift weights, hike, or get back in the gym. Sign up for an exercise class, maybe one for seniors, if you’re “older” like me.

Maybe you have a long-lost hobby? Camping, fishing, hiking, crafting, wood-working, knitting, antiquing, photography? Resurrect it and begin again.

What is fun to you? Restful? Replenishing?

Like Nike’s ad says, “Just do it.”  Plan ahead and make time for what you want to do. You’ll need to be intentional about this. Maybe ask someone to hold you accountable. And if you can’t think of anything, pray and ask God for ideas. You could bring up the idea in conversation at work, church, with your friends or family, and get suggestions. With their help, you’ll end up with a list of ideas. You might want to try something you’ve never done before!

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY?

photo cred. David Clode on unsplash

These passages from the Bible encourage me to make time for respite. They remind me that God wants us to rest in him, not only from our work, but from our worries and troubles. I hope these verses encourage you too:

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.”  (Psalms 62:5 NIV)

“My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”  (Exodus 33:14 NIV)

Jesus himself said, “Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28 NIV)

Even God rested on the seventh day after He did his creation work.  “… on the seventh day He rested …” (Genesis 2:2 NIV)

My respite is in God first, then He helps me find rest in other places in His world. I hope you will find ways to be refreshed and make time for to renewal. If you are a parent in pain, you need to.

DO YOU THINK RESPITE IS IMPORTANT? WHY?

WHAT REFRESHES YOU?

WHERE DO YOU FIND REST?