Are you a parent in pain who has no joy this holiday season? Can you relate to one of these situations? Your son is in jail with an unknown outcome looming in the future. Your daughter is fresh out of rehab, not the first time, living in your home again. They have a gambling problem that’s slowly destroying their life; they’re in denial that they drink too much, or abuse substances; they refuse treatment for a brain disorder; they’ve rejected you and want nothing to do with you but you have no idea why; they have a same-sex partner; or they’re undergoing medical treatment to become transgender. How can you have any joy at Christmas?
Maybe letting go of expectations about what you have no control over can help you find some joy again.
If you lower what you expect from your child, it can do wonders in your life. Otherwise, frustrations build. You become disillusioned, hurt and angry. Discussing unmet expectations with other parents I’ve realized we need to distinguish the difference between goals and desires. This can lead to joy even during the holidays.
Goals and Desires
A goal is a desired outcome we have some control over. “I want to lose five pounds in January”; “I want to learn how to play golf”; “I want to see my friends more often”; “I don’t want to go into debt with my holiday spending”, etc. It’s up to us to make a goal happen. We are in complete control. If we plan out the steps and follow them chances are good that our goal will become a reality.
A desire is something we have no control over. We hope something will happen, however, whether it does or not is outside our ability or power. For a desire to become a reality requires the cooperation of someone else in order to be accomplished. “I want my child to start going to recovery meetings and see a counselor regularly”; “I want my son to go into rehab”; “I want my child to treat me with respect”; “I hope it snows on Christmas day”; “I want a better job”, etc.
The core issue is control.
My husband and I learned in 12-step meetings that control is an illusion. We have no control over anything or anyone–except us.This was a rud awakening. Try looking in the mirror and repeatedly telling yourself, “I am not in control!”
There’s nothing we can do to make our desires come true. I’m sorry. I know that’s hard to hear, but it’s a fact we need to accept if we ever want to have joy again.
The problem is that parents of troubled teens or adults tend to turn our desires into goals. That’s where we get into trouble. What happens next? We become frustrated and angry. We set ourselves up for emotional upheaval. We’re miserable (and so is the person we want to control).
What Can We Do?
What can we do? We can pray about the desires we have for our children. We can give them to God–the only one who is in control–then focus on taking care of ourselves.
What are some realistic goals we can do something about? That’s where we should put our focus and energy.
Here is a list you could choose from. Any of these would be good goals:
- See a counselor to work through your feelings.
- Get involved in a support group and participate regularly.
- Educate yourself on the issues your child is dealing with.
- Read uplifting material that will help you cope better.
- Get plenty of rest, exercise and eat healthy.
- Join a Bible Study or small group to find community.
- Draw closer to God (go to a Bible-centered church and read the Scriptures for yourself).
- Keep telling your child you love them no matter what they’ve done (but be careful not to enable them).
You will be less angry and frustrated if you do these things. Making them part of your life can lead you to joy. We all want more of that.
O God, help us see where we’ve gotten our goals and desires mixed up. Please give us the courage we need to let go of our desires and give them to you. Help us lower our expectations especially during a difficult holiday season. Strengthen us to start doing something on this list in the way of having healthy goals. As we do, lead us to find joy once again. We sure need it. In Jesus’ Name, the Joy-Giver. Amen.
This Bible verse is one I like: I will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness (Psalm 145:7 NIV).
Thank You for so many good posts. So very needed because I loose sight because of thinking of regrets, emotions running deep.
You’re welcome. I’m glad you find them helpful. It’s a rough road, especially this time of year.
I felt like you were talking to me personally.I know a lot of my expectations cause pain for me and to even THINK I have any control over their lives is ridiculous yet I continue to labor and feel pain over THEIR decisions. As Becky stated above, I lose sight as well and it is especially hard during the holiday season. Praying that God gives me the wisdom to recognize when I have allowed my thinking to go too far…..to LEAVE it in His capabale hands!
I’m praying right now that God will answer your prayers and do that for you.
Thank you so much……There are days I just want to go “home”….does any one else ever feel that way?
Oh yes.I have & so have many others. You’re not the only one. But please don’t despair, you won’t always feel as bad as you do today. I promise. It gets lighter as you get stronger and learn to let God carry both you and your burden.
Yes, “adwawa3”, often I feel very “Homesick” too…
(the longer I live, the more I long for Heaven!)
This (world) is not our home…we know it in our very souls…truly we are “just passing through”
has a Purpose, a BIG-ger Story that He is writing. We WILL make it Home one day, “just like He said.”
He will make “all sad things come untrue”! Hold tight to His Hand…He is holding yours and your childrens’
(and He will NEVER let go!!!)
I read this quote the other day, which really helped me regain perspective
(especially during this discouraging season of parenting)…
I pray it blesses you too.
“In God’s Providence
everything is significant,
everything is meaningful,
…nothing is random,
nothing is pointless,
nothing is meaningless.”
-Pastor John Piper
He WILL welcome us Home,
we WILL get there (thank God!!!),
in HIS perfect timing…
until then, we just have to trust that He WILL come through…HE WILL!!!
Prayers for you, Becky, Dena, and Tom too!!!
Thank you for your comment. Yes, this world is not our home and we do become very homesick. I especially like the John Piper quote. We’re so grateful we can know with certainty nothing is random or meaningless and everything is significant and meaningful. So good. And as you said, one day we WILL be welcomed “home” in God’s perfect timing. Until then, it’s all about us trusting Him to keep His promises…HE WILL!!!
Blessings to you from our blessed Savior. Dena.
I feel homesick at times also! Sometimes the pain is incredible. I sure learned during all this to be in Gods word constantly and on my knees. That’s when I feel peace.! I’ve realized I can’t fix my daughter or my grandson, but God can. I can’t control them but God is in control! Dena and Tom thank you for all you do, your love, support means a lot to many hurting parents.