Suicide. This manner of death impacts millions of families worldwide annually. Each year, 34,598 people die by their own hand. An average of 94 people die this way every day. Did you know that in the United States more people die by suicide than by homicide (18,361)? This is the eleventh-leading cause of death across all ages.* What a tragedy they didn’t believe these 13 reasons why NOT to kill themselves.

My aunt killed herself in her late 20’s. She didn’t know those reasons.

Dear friends of ours lost their daughter, a college sophomore. She may have known the reasons, but didn’t believe them in her darkest moment on that day. Another friends’ son gave up his fight with alcohol addiction and ended his life in the woods behind their home. Yet another friend found their daughter’s lifeless body in her bedroom in their home. They had no idea of her plans. The list of similar deaths goes on and on. You could probably add more stories to these.

The following letter was written by a young man to his friend who died by suicide. The I Am Second website posted it. They typically share life-changing videos of celebrities, but this was different – special. I believe his letter contains important messages parents need to share with their children who struggle with thoughts of suicide. Each one of these points could be spoken by a worried parent to their beloved son or daughter or by anyone to a friend. They don’t guarantee the person in question won’t follow through with their decision, but they might.

We think our children already know plenty of reasons not to end their lives, but they need to be reminded. They need to hear these statements from our lips, because when the heavy cloud of depression and despair settles in their hearts and minds they develop amnesia.  Everything is black. All they can see is hopelessness and despair. They forget what’s true.

The following simple phrases could be life-saving.

Dear Daniel,

I was the last person you ever called and I missed it. I’m still not sure how it happened. But you took your life before I could call you back. I remember calling the next day. Your mom answered and said they couldn’t find you. I try not to hate myself every day since then. I don’t know how heaven works, if you are able to hear me or not. But if you can, this is what I would have told you, this is why NOT to end your life. And if you can’t hear me, then I hope someone who can, will let you know that though you feel alone, there is someone who cares.

Reasons NOT to End Your Life:

1. You are loved.

I used to cry myself to sleep. I’d beg God for one good friend. Picked on at school, bullied, lonely, hurting, I needed someone. You chose to be that someone. I don’t think I ever told you the dark spot I was in when we met. But you brought me out of it. Maybe you feel unworthy or undeserving of love in this moment. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to wonder if anybody at all loves you. Let me be real clear on this: I love you.

2. You are forgiven.

Maybe it’s guilt that’s brought you here. We all need forgiveness. You have no monopoly on that. If you need it from me, you can have it. I’ve never denied you that. If you need it from God, just ask. He’s forgiven far worse.

3. You are not alone.

Maybe you feel alone. Maybe you feel the battles you face make you alone in this world. You are wrong. You are neither alone, nor unloved. I am here. Others are here. Even if you don’t feel our love, we love.

4. The world is NOT better without you.

You never said why you chose this path. I wonder if perhaps you thought we’d be better off without you. We are not. You had struggles and they hurt me. That is true. But your friendship has always and will always be worth it. I’d rather have you with all your mess than spend my life unable to say thank you for the kindness you gave me in my time of need. Let me be there for you as you were for me.

5. It gets better.

I know you are in pain. I won’t even pretend to understand your pain. I have had my own version of pain in life. I lost my daughter several years ago. She was born never taking a breath. We named her Hope, because in our worst pain all we had was hope. Hope that somehow it would get better. Hope that there is one who will fix the brokenness. Hope is what we have when all else is lost.

6. We won’t get over it.

 

Maybe you’re thinking that we’ll hurt for a while and then get over it, get over you. We won’t. For six months, my life went into a tailspin. Your family for years longer than that. I still carry your obituary with me, tucked into my Bible at a passage that reads “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you are with me.” (Psalm 23: 4) It’s been over a decade and the pain has softened but has yet to leave. I fear it never will.

7. You have a purpose. Maybe you feel you’ve wasted your life. Failed your purpose. The purpose of life is simple. Love God and love the people around you. You can’t love us, if you don’t stay with us. You’ll do it imperfectly, as we all do, but anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. As long as you are here, trying to love those around you, you are doing the one and only thing you’re meant to do, even if you do it poorly. And trust me, you’ve loved us better than you think.

8. There is help.

There is help. Ask for it. Don’t stop calling. If I don’t answer, call someone else. There are people in your life who love you.

9. There is hope.

I don’t know why God allows things to happen the way he does. Trust me. I’ve told him on many occasions how terrible his plan seems to be sometimes. I don’t know why there is so much brokenness and pain in the world. But I do know this much about God. One day he’s going to fix it. Hope is this thing in the future, this faith in some better time and place. We see it in glimmers now. And it’s those glimmers that allow us to believe that it’s coming. Hold on to that hope.

10. This is NOT what I want.

Do not be confused here. I do not want this. I want you to live. I’d rather have the on and off, back and forth, pain in the !!#% troubles that come with having a friend with your struggles.

11. Your struggle inspires others.

Every struggle gives birth to loneliness. In battle you face the enemy and lose sight of those who fight beside you. Knowing you still fight inspires me. While I never realized the intensity of your fight, I’ve been inspired watching you fight it. Give me the honor of fighting with you. Just reach out. Let someone know.

12. I need you.

In case you are confused that you’ve become a burden to those around you, be assured, that’s a lie. You chose me as a friend, when I needed one most. I had moved from out-of-state, was bullied by my peers, and desperately lonely. I always admired your kindness, talent, and brilliance and considered you my best, and at times, only friend. I know our life decisions began to diverge towards the end. But through it all we were friends. And I still need your friendship.

13. You can’t undo this.

I thought you’d be my best man and I yours. Instead, I was your pallbearer. Every other mistake can be undone, the consequences dealt with. But this is final. I can go with you anywhere, but not there. Stay with me, friend. Give me the opportunity to be with you in your darkest moments as you were in mine. Don’t go where I can’t follow.

Your best friend,

Doug Bender

From Dena:

Mom, dad, if you suspect, or if you know for sure that your child struggles with suicidal thoughts, then please make the time to tell them these 13 reasons NOT to end their life. Sprinkle your son or daughter with these statements in conversation, in texts, or any way you can think of. You never know what might get through, what might click. And yes, Doug, we agree that there is Someone who cares, Someone who can make a difference and give a reason to keep fighting, to not give up, to believe that any of these 13 reasons could be true. He is God, our Good Shepherd (Psalm 23:1).

This scripture has comforted me many times:

God is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18-20).

***Statistics provided by Emory University.

Recommended resources:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  800-273-8255 (TALK) Call 24/7 including holidays. Or text 741741 for help.

OR call the new mental health crisis phone line: 988 (instead of 911)

If the person in question is 24 or younger, you can also call 211 for an assessment from a licensed counselor over the phone (all counties may not offer this). If they determine the individual needs immediate help, they will either come to where they are or they’ll direct you to call 911. The decision depends on the situation.