Today I’m going to talk about love, courageous love. This is love that doesn’t enable or over help. We’re going to see what it looks like and if we can gain any new ideas on how we can show this kind of love to our challenging sons and daughters. We’ll look at what the Bible says about love. Here’s a popular passage:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends… (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a).

Courageous love teaches us to face the crisis, take a stand, and meet challenges. This type of love will help us develop new strengths so we can give a sense of direction and support even when it’s hard and we don’t feel like it.
Courageous Love

Here are 10 ways to show courageous love to your child.

1. Show them Christ. He is what they really need above all else. It’s not an excuse to nag or preach. This often has the opposite effect. Our behavior and attitudes can speak more than words. Christ is our motivation to continue loving them even when they don’t deserve it.

2. Pray. Only God can change them. Ask others to be part of a prayer team to pray for them and their friends. Email specific requests each week—be sure to include how they can pray for you. Prayer is a powerful way to show our love.

3.  Tell them. Even when our children are rebellious, they need to hear that we still love them and see our love in action. When things are at their worst, we’re still called to love. When we reach out we might be rejected, but we can’t stop. Speak it, text it, email it; do all you can to stay connected. However, don’t let them trample on you or not pay the consequences for their destructive choices. Love is not a doormat.

4. Keep a Journal. If you don’t know where they are or have no way of communicating, you could start keeping a journal. Record things you and the family are doing, things you think would be of interest to them. It could be daily or weekly. Include an expression of love to them with each entry. When they come “home” give them the journal. It might open the door to help rebuild your relationship.

5.  Welcome them home. Let them know when they’re ready to change your door is always open. You’ll be there with open

photo cred.google images

arms to help, encourage, and support them. But don’t create too many requirements for returning that could lessen the chances of them coming home.

6. Listen. Another powerful way of showing love is by simply listening. Look for opportunities to just sit with them (maybe on the phone) and listen. Even if they’re drunk or high, being there speaks volumes: “Tell me more about that. Tell me what you’re feeling. I love you. I care.” Be persistent. Don’t give up. Once they realize how much you care, it can make all the difference.

7. Respect their friends. Even if you don’t like them be kind, thoughtful, and courteous the way you would to any unbeliever. Remember, they’re someone else’s wayward child, too. Your son or daughter will take notice of this. You never know the affect it may have later on.

8. Take an interest in what they like. Learn about it so you can ask good questions. Validate those things. Encourage them in these pursuits.

9. Be Strong. When you have to correct or discipline (under age 18) always end with, “We love you too much not to do anything about this.”

When asked for money or help that would be enabling, say “Because we love you, we’re not going to step in and take away your privilege of figuring this out on your own. We’re confident you can do it and we’ll pray for you.” Instead, invite them over for a meal or meet at a restaurant, coffee shop, etc.

When they’ve failed in some way, experienced something traumatic, or relapsed say, “There’s nothing you could ever do—or could be done to you—that would ever make me love you any less or any more than I always have. My love for you will never change.”

10. Keep Boundaries. Love needs healthy boundaries to thrive and protect both parties. Neither should take advantage of the other, nor do anything that’s not in the best interest of each person. Sometimes the loving thing to do is the hardest thing to do.

“How can we love without enabling our troubled children?”

A True Story

photo cred mohamed.nohassi

When one couple’s son was incarcerated in a state prison for six years, the immediate and extended family (including close friends) agreed to take turns accepting a weekly collect phone call from him so they could stay connected and let him know they still cared. His parents visited weekly and when they couldn’t go, another family member or friend went in their place. They gave him clear ultimatums and accepted no excuses. They were willing to go so far, but he had to do his part.They let him know, in no uncertain terms, that they would support him and help him like this one time and that would be it. He knew they meant it.

When he got out of prison, he had a better understanding of their love for him, and how far they were willing to go in order to show it. But he also better understood the boundaries they were setting within that love. Today, twenty years later, he says it was their courageous love that made the difference and changed the course of his life. 

Reflection

What do you want to do differently? How will you try to show love to your child this week?

Prayer and a few Scripture verses

Prayer: Courageous Lover of every soul, teach me how to love my wayward child the way you want me to. At times I know what that looks like, at other times I have no clue. I need you. Help me love without enabling or over-helping. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Rom. 5:8 ESV).                                                                                                                                                                         

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever (Ps. 118:1 NIV).   

*This content is taken from our Hope for Hurting Parents Facilitator Guide. Available to purchase from our website or from a local retailer.