Life is full of uncertain times. Our lives are full of unknowns. Parents of wayward, troubled teens or adults have an added strain. Their children are not doing well with all the stress, especially those in the early days of recovery or with an unstabilized mental illness. Their kid’s anxiety is off the charts. Many are also at greater risk due to risky lifestyles.

A Unique Grief

Did you know you are grieving? Your children’s situation brings a unique type of grief called ambiguous loss. Dr. Pauline Boss Ph.D. coined the term. Grief of this kind occurs when we anticipate a loss in the future or it’s not obvious and there’s no way to have any meaningful resolution or closure. Helpless and powerless, there’s’ nothing we can do to prevent the changes we see coming. This kind of loss feels the same as knowing a loved one has terminal cancer or the company you gave your life to for over 40 years is going bankrupt..

What do we need to help us cope?

Resilience.

8 Ways to Develop Resilience

How do we become resilient? I’ve had a lot of interesting conversations on this topic. As a result, I discovered eight ways we can grow resilience in our souls.

1) Simplify Your Life

Cut back; say no to every extra, nonessential activity for a season until strength returns. Doing this helped me create margin in my life. Doing less gave me breathing room. Space. How wonderful to be freed up, to have time for rest when needed. Simplifying my life helped lower my stress level and preserve my emotional energy.

2) Develop a Community of Authentic Relationships

Find like-minded people who can encourage you and whom you can encourage.

On my recovery journey I needed places where I could be real and accepted. Guilt and shame prompted my husband and me to hide; to isolate. In time we finally swallowed our pride and trudged into a 12-Step meeting. To our surprise, we felt safe and understood, able to share our inner struggles without shame.

Support groups turned out to be one of the healthiest choices we made. Participating in support groups helped us become resilient because they helped us process our feelings in the context of community instead of trying to cope alone. We really do need each other more than we know. You can find a ist of different types of support groups on the websites tab under “Resources”.

3) Enlist Steady Spiritual Support

Fellowship with “safe” people: my church family, small group, and Bible study group, proved essential. Welcoming a sponsor and counselors into my life was beneficial too. God met me, ministered to me, and strengthened me through His people. Not in isolation, but in the body of Christ, the church … I could be loved, listened to, prayed for, and upheld in meaninful ways. Permitting them on my journey made it possible for God to minister to me through them. How much I would have missed had I not opened my heart to others.

4) Nurture Your Personal Faith in God

Somehow, I found the strength to keep picking up my Bible almost every day … Some days a paragraph or one sentence was all I could manage. But I kept at it. Soaking my mind with the Scriptures was the main way my heavenly Father refreshed my exhausted spirit.

Strengthening my faith included cultivating a strong prayer life. Developing resilience requires a lot of trust in God. By drawing closer to our Good Shepherd and tapping into His strength, we can endure. We can overcome exhaustion: “For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again” (Proverbs 24:16).

By choosing to stay close to Him, strengthening and nurturing our faith, we can handle any crisis.

 5) Improve Your Physical Health

I started a wellness plan that included eating better, drinking plenty of water, getting adequate rest, and giving attention to other medical needs. Appointments were scheduled with doctors, counselors, and clergy as needed. Regular exercise released endorphins and naturally improved my sense of well-being. Even a slow fifteen-minute walk rejuvenated me. This also helped me process my grief. In short, I gave myself permission to make my over-all health a priority. The rewards were worth all the effort.

6) Find Your True Identity

I grew confident of who I am as a follower of Christ (a loved and cared-for child of God), who I belong to (my heavenly Father), about my eternal destiny (with Him forever in heaven), and my life’s purpose.

Exposing myself to sound biblical teaching in church, in small groups Bible studies, and through my own reading of the Bible developed a strong faith. During these painful years I repeatedly read a list of statements I keep tucked away in my Bible.

Two crucial ones were: 1) I am complete in Christ and have all I need in Him, and 2) I can persevere and be victorious in any trial because of God’s help and strength.

Today I continue to remind myself of these two truths. They make a huge difference during troubling times.

7) Learn to Distinguish Between Truth and Lies

• By focusing on the Word of God and being familiar with what it teaches.
• By avoiding negative, critical thinking that says God is indifferent or absent in my struggles.
• By knowing myself well enough to be aware of my limits, not kidding myself that I was superhuman.
• By realizing I couldn’t do everything … enforcing wise, healthy boundaries (no more enabling or over-helping).
• By releasing the illusion that I had or needed control of my child or their circumstances.
• By accepting I wasn’t perfect and that’s okay.

Learning to distinguish between truth and lies helped me detach from the trauma at hand, then I could trust God with the outcome.

I discovered I could care for my daughter without taking care of her. You might want to read that sentence again or print it out and read it often.

8) Make Time for Fun

I cultivated hobbies and tried new activities. I gave myself permission to laugh again. It’s all right. I know this sounds counterintuitive. Fun? Laughter? Delight?

My friend, you need them. You need to balance hardship with lightheartedness. Just a little goes a long way. To use a well-worn cliche’, “Just do it!”

A Bible verse and Encouraging Thoughts

Scripture says, “In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them” (Is. 63:9)

Dear exhausted parent, your heavenly Father hurts with you.

He is present in your pain.

He loves you with an eternal, unfailing love.

When you reach out to Him, He’ll send help from His very presence to lift you up and carry you.

He’ll make you strong so you can rebound from every trial.

Exhaustion. What’s the remedy? Resilience.

You can be resilient.

Yes, you.

Recommended Books:

Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief  by Pauline G. Boss

You’ll Get Through This  by Max Lucado

The Other Side of Sadness by Bonnanno

** Some of this content is taken from our Hope for Hurting Parents Facilitator Guide, session #22, Resilience. A FREE sample is available from our website.

** We welcome your comments!!! What do you think? What helps you be resilient?

 

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