photo cred. Solen Feyissa on unsplash

I’ve come to a conclusion after watching 2024 Olympic events this week. The Olympics and painful parenting have something in common. Like many of the athletes who didn’t get what they hoped and worked hard for, parents of troubled adult children are discouraged from dashed hopes and unsuccessful attempts to control the outcome of their children’s lives. 

World champions went to the games with high expectations for winning a medal or setting a new record. After all, they are the best in the world. Time, money, and energy were invested. Sacrifices were made. They set goals, trained hard, persevered, and devoted themselves for years. They did everything in their power to make their dreams came true, but everyone can’t win.

Do you see any commonalities between the Olympics and brokenhearted parents?

Everyone Can’t Win

Everyone can’t win. Most of the athletes who went to Paris won’t get to stand on a stage for photos with flowers and a medal around their necks. Men and women will return to their countries with unfulfilled hopes and dreams, disappointed and discouraged. The clock determines the results of some events, while others are in the hands of judges. Athletes had to surrender to the outcome. They could protest, but ultimately had no control over how things turned out.

Most didn’t go home with media accolades or claims to fame. Some were devastated. During one Olympics I watched a brokenhearted olympian who couldn’t finish their televised interview, too overwhelmed with emotion. They came in fourth place … there would be no celebration for their accomplishment. Then there’s what happened to the gymnast Simone Biles in the last Olympics. She had to accept her limitations. She could do her best and no more.

Do you see any commonalities between the Olympics and brokenhearted parents now?

I do.

For fifteen years I was on a difficult path with my daughter. Today I realize how much pressure I put on myself to be perfect. My expectations were high—for her and for me. If I did everything right, shouldn’t she thrive in every way? After all, I tried to be the best parent I could be. What could go wrong? Where’s my medal?

Great amounts of time and energy were joyfully invested to ensure all three of my children turned out well. I never expected anything to go awry. When my middle child struggled with anxiety, cutting, and substances, I was devastated. How could this happen? What more could I have done?

Disappointed and discouraged, I’d left no room in my parental belief system for what I perceived as failure.

What now?

photo cred. pexels

There’s nothing wrong with having big dreams for our children, but after we do our best, like Olympic athletes, we have to surrender and let go of the outcome. Once they’re adults, we have little influence over what happens in our son’s and daughter’s lives. We need to release them to God and trust Him to work where we cannot. This is no easy task, I admit that, but for me, the day finally came when …

I let go of trying to control, fix or change my child. I gave her back to God and left her in His hands.

Choosing to let go of my attempts to control was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. There was no guarantee of what would happen. Surrendering felt scary, even wrong, but I learned from other seasoned parents that this was what I had to do. Could this be what you need to do but you don’t know how or if you can? These five choices helped me. Maybe they’ll help you.

Five Choices that Can Help us Let Go:

1. Allow consequences. Leave room for mistakes.They allow for learning to occur. Pain is the best teacher. Goals are good, but try not to set the bar too high. Leave room for poor choices common to maturing adolescents. You’re not perfect, either. Expect some challenges, but be careful not to become cynical. Pray for God to show up in unmistakeable ways and protect them from great harm.
2. Refuse guilt. Reject believing this is somehow your fault. Accept what is. You did the best you could. Beating yourself up won’t change anything. Your child gets to choose what they will do. So do you.
3. Trust God. Don’t play the what if game. You won’t win. Instead of worrying, remember God is in control and loves them even more than you do. Shift your thinking to even if the worst happens, God will be with you and with them. You are not alone–neither are they.
4. Get help. Find resources. No athlete ever qualified for the Olympics without teamwork and excellent coaching. Greatness wasn’t achieved by their efforts alone. They depended on experts. Like world-class athletes, wisdom is accepting help from those who know more than you.
5. Never give up. Persevere in prayer. Refuse to quit believing your child can change and be restored. You never know what tomorrow might bring. Anything is possible with God.

What does the Bible say?

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26) NIV

Let’s Pray: Dear God, please heal the heart of disappointed, discouraged parents who read this. Help them find acceptance, even contentment with what is. Urge them to allow consequences, refuse guilt, and get help. They need Your strength to make peace with what they cannot change. Give them victory in You as they let go of what they hoped for and trust You to work where they cannot. But most of all, don’t let them ever give up praying and believing for the impossible. In the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.

Resources

A book that helped me trust God with my disappointments is Larry Crabb’s Shattered Dreams.

A book that helped me pray: The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children by Stormie Omartian

What helped you let go of disappointment and trust God more?

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**this post has been edited from the archives