photo cred. google images
I love my daughter with all my heart. In her teens and young adulthood that love was severely tested. During the years of her substance abuse and untreated mental health needs, she became a different person, treating me in ways I never would have imagined possible. I couldn’t believe this was my child.
Parents love their children, but sometimes they don’t like the person they’ve become.When our kids are rude, disrespectful, and hateful toward us, we’re hurt and angry. When they lie to us and steal from us, our anger turns into bitterness and resentment, our wounds deepen. When they reject us and walk away, part of us dies inside. And although we’ve had nothing to do with their choices or problems, somehow, we become the bad guy. We’re the enemy, the one they blame for all their problems. How did this happen?
What made them change?
Alcohol and drugs changed them.
Negative, detrimental peer influences got a foothold.
Depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, anxiety disorders and other mental illnesses played a large part in their transformation.
Time spent in jail or prison contributed too.
Trauma changed everything.
One Thing Will Never Change
photo cred. unsplash
The things they’ve experienced have changed both of us. Before we knew what was happening, our child was no longer the person we once knew. The sweet, innocent son or daughter we raised, the one we have albums full of special memories with, is gone. Where did they go? The change we’ve witnessed is baffling and mystifying. The loss hurts more than words can describe. And yet…they are still our sons and daughters. Our beloved offspring.
That hasn’t changed and never will.
Underneath the behaviors and attitudes of our children hides a frightened, lost soul. Our precious child is still in there…somewhere.
Many of you have been on this journey for a long, long time. You’ve learned the disheartening lesson that you can’t change or fix your child, as hard as you tried. You did everything everyone suggested; followed all the ideas you read about, but nothing worked.
What Can Make a Difference?
What can make a difference? Is there anything?
I think there IS something that can make a difference…LOVE. Ours and God’s.
photo cred. Khadeeja Yasser on unsplash
With actions and words we’ve done our best to show our kids how much we love them their whole lives. The heartbreaking times we’ve experienced when they’re the most unlovable have been the most difficult ones to express that love.
I failed many times. A long time would pass before my eyes were opened. Until then, my love kept coming out as enabling or over-helping out of overwhelming fear for her welfare. If I love my child, aren’t I supposed to do everything I can to save, and rescue, and fix them?
We do as much as we can to be sure our children know they’re loved, don’t we? My husband and I told Renee many times that our love for her was not based on her performance; that we wouldn’t love her any more or any less because of the things she had done or what had been done to her. We knew our love was an extension of God’s to her through us. Thankfully, our message reached her heart.
They Need Another Type of Love
photo cred. Marlene Lopez on Unsplash
But our love is still incomplete, as good as our efforts may be. A human love is not all they need. They need God’s love too–far more than ours. In the drawing here, the man represents God. His love is far superior. His type of love is called agape. Agape love is perfect, sacrificial,and unconditional. No one don’t deserves it, yet His love for us is eternal; it never fails, no matter what we’ve done.
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His loves endures forever (Psalms 136:1-2). Think about that. God’s love can’t wear out, give out, or fizzle out. It’s impossible; that absolutely can’t happen; “no way, no how!” The love God has for our children won’t ever stop or come to an end.
Ever.
His love will never cease to exist. The Bible tells us nothing can separate us from God’s love.
NOT A THING.
Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:39).
A Boost for Hope
Thinking about how much God loved my daughter comforted me. The fact that no matter what Renee had done or what had been done to her could make Him to stop loving her boosted my hope. Focusing on His heart for her gave me great confidence that if He loved her that much, then one day she might be okay.
I could put her in her Maker’s hands and leave her there. I could entrust her into His care because of this unfailing love. I could depend on Agape love as a sure thing.
photo cred. canva
Dear parent, does God’s love ensure us a happy ending? Sadly, no, it does not guarantee the outcome we want. However, I promise you this: We can know without a doubt that divine, unending, unchanging love will do whatever it takes to try and reach your precious child. He is always faithful. He will never give up.
As I thought about God’s faithful love, I remembered a song:
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness, O Lord. Great is thy faithfulness, O Lord. Great is thy faithfulness.” You can listen to a recording of it here on YouTube.
The Bible sums up my thoughts in these two verses:
Lamentations 3:21-23 NIV Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope; because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Psalm 119:76a NIV May your unfailing love be my comfort.
Because God’s love never fails, there is always hope for all of us. As a dear friend likes to say, LNF!
Love Never Fails! Amen.
Recommended Book: When You Love A Prodigal by Judy Douglass (here on our website under the “books” tab).
The past two years have been the most difficult of my life, as I’ve been dealing with a teen daughter with an anxiety disorder, depression, OCD and self-harm. She has been hospitalized 4 times this year because she was a danger to herself. It has become so very hard for me to relax or feel safe (for her). Even when things seem to be going smoothly, I find I’m waiting for the next crisis and it is difficult to really rest. I found your blog while searching for some kind of support group online, and I can’t tell you how much it has encouraged me. I’ve been praying all along and I believe you are one of God’s answers to me. Everything you have posted speaks to me and the things I struggle with. Thank you, thank you, thank you. God bless.
M.
Thank you for your comment Melody. I am so sorry to hear about these trials with your daughter and I am so glad the Lord lead you to my blog! I completely understand how you feel. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hospitalized 4x in a year, oh my, how hard for you! You are probably suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, at least to some degree. You may want to do some research on this online and see what you think. Talking to a counselor could really help you process your emotions. If you need help finding a good one (especially if you’d like to find a Christian counselor) let me know and I may be able to direct you in this if you aren’t sure who to go to. It is a horrific nightmare no one can really understand except for those who have been through it. I strongly urge you to find a support group in your area. You desperately need to be with other parents who are also struggling like you are. It’s such a comfort to know we are not alone and can draw on each other’s strengths. Have you found anything like this? Again, I am so glad my blogs have helped you and encouraged you. You may also enjoy my daughter’s blog – your daughter might, too. Go to: reneeyohe.com
Melody, I almost forgot to tell you that I recently found a great website which offers online support groups! I have confidence in the mom who is behind it, Diane Viere. She also has a weekly live talk radio program and you can listen to their archived programs. They are quite good! Recently my boss at Campus Crusade for Christ, Judy Douglass, shared her story. Go to: partnersinprayerforourprodigals.com and check it out. There are many great resources there! You can post prayer requests and people will pray for you and for your daughter. Campus Crusade also has something similar that I help with called, Prayer for Prodigals. It is a great resource (prayers to pray, Bble verses, devotionals, books, websites and places for help all over the country). If you want to check this out send me an email and I will send you and email invitation. It is a confidential, protected site, for your privacy. Hope these things will help you on your journey.
Thank you so much, Dena!
I looked at partnersinprayerforprodigals and found just the message I needed for today. I will become a regular visitor there, as I am to your blog. I have been so busy with my daughter’s treatment and therapy that I have put my own needs aside. But I know it is time for me to find support and help as well. I do know of a very good Christian counseling organization in my area and will be calling them today. Again, bless you.
So glad you went and checked out that site and that you liked it! We need all the resources we can get, don’t we? Good for you on calling that counseling group! I applaud that step in taking care of yourself! It is so easy to overlook our own needs when our chlld’s are so all-consuming. Maybe they can help you find a support group, too! At least you might want to try out the online one through The Prodigal Hope Network (part of partners in prayer for our prodigals). I am going to participate in one hopefully this week! God bless you today as you continue on your journey!
Thank you for your work. We have this issue with our son and it is very discouraging. Your blog is uplifting and gives us hope some days when that is lacking. Blessings to you and your family.
Thank you for your comment. I’m so sorry you have a painful situation with your son and are discouraged. I’m glad my blog gives you some hope and that you find it uplifting. That is an encouragement to me! Blessings to you too! Never give up! And may God comfort you while you wait for Him to move in your son’s life.