“I hate you!” my 17-year old daughter shouted as she slammed her door. Another failure. Another long weekend of hanging out with a dangerous crowd. Lame excuses for her whereabouts had become the norm. I’d noticed her bloodshot eyes when she came after her curfew … again. Defeated and weary, I retreated to my bedroom an emotional wreck. On my knees beside the bed, tears poured down my cheeks onto my pajamas. I didn’t care. Her father and I had tried to do everything possible to rescue her; to keep the bad away, but things were getting to me.

Am I Going Crazy?

“I think I’m losing my mind! I’m going in circles trying my darndest to save this child, but things just keep getting worse. I can’t stand living like this. Help, God! Am I going crazy?”

Insanity has been defined in the recovery world as doing something the same way over and over again and expecting different results. According to this, I must be insane. Have you felt this way with your child?

Time and again we make attempts to control, fix, and change our children, but we can’t. We simply cannot do it! Living with the pain and distress of having a troubled, rebellious child can make us a little off-balance.

No matter how hard we work at it, we get the same results. Last night, last week, last year we tried to control people, places and things, believing our way was the right way. However, when what we want is forced on an uncooperative person, it rarely works–and yet we keep trying. Al-Anon says this is an insane way to live.

It is.

What We Can Do

In 12 Step Recovery Programs, Step 3 says: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.” I did this when I received Christ as my Savior and Lord. I relinquished control of myself to Him. I took  my hands off the steering wheel of my life and gave Him total control. I trusted He could take care of me.

After attending an Al-Anon support group for a while, hearing other parent’s stories, I came to see how much I needed to do this with my daughter–put her completely in God’s hands; to let go of the idea I had any control or power to change her. Only He could do that. Once I accepted this bitter reality and discontinued my unproductive efforts, my sanity would return.

Sanity meant surrendering my will for God’s will–giving my desires to Him and trusting Him–no more trying to force change or make something happen. This would only produce insanity. I didn’t want any more of that.

“Since my will had let me down time and time again, the real question was how long would I continue running around in the same circles before I was willing to admit defeat and turn to a source of genuine help?”**

How long will you continue? Are you ready to admit defeat and turn to a true source of help?

Regaining Our Sanity

Friends, I encourage you to stop doing the same old thing that’s not working. May today be the day you make a change in your own life. Practice recovery’s third step: Give your child over to God and trust His loving care for them. He’s in control, even though you may not see it. He is working where you cannot. When you think you’re losing your mind, He will help you regain your sanity.

This verse from the Bible gives us hope for the future–for you and for your child:

See I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:19, NIV)

** Courage to Change, Al-Anon approved  literature, pg. 316; available through our website, at a local Al-Anon meeting, or on Amazon.