Hurting Parents Can Cope

by Tom and Dena Yohe | Sep 18, 2024 | what you can do

photo cred. Janet Plock

When you feel like you’ve lost control of your emotions because of your son or daughter’s behaviors and choices how can you cope? What do you do to keep your sanity if your child struggles with alcohol, drugs, self harm, suicide, gender identity issues, or a mental illness? How do you regain your balance and emotional capacity to keep going? Where do you turn when you want to quit? If you make a pile of stones somewhere, will that do the trick? How do you hit the “refresh” button for your heart and soul? Don’t you wish you had one? I did.

I agree with writer Oswald Chambers who wrote, “God does not give us overcoming life; He gives us life as we overcome.”

Overcoming. How can we do that when we feel completely overwhelmed? The dictionary defines “to overcome” as: suceeding in dealing with a difficulty or problem; prevailing over, getting on top of or conquering; to win a victory over. That’s it! My goal is to prevail, conquer trials and not be overcome by them. Back to the question – how can we cope? I have a few suggestions.

7 Ways to Cope

Here are 7 ways that helped me cope when overcome by painful emotions:

1) Be honest. With who? With yourself, with God, our wonderful Counselor, with your family (those you can trust) and close friends. Don’t keep this trial with your child a secret – that only makes it harder. You need support. Don’t be afraid to admit to yourself how you truly feel. Write about it in a journal; talk about it with a trusted friend, and with God. There is healing power in speaking our feelings out loud too.

2) Pray, pray and pray some more. Keep believing in the power of prayer. There’s no magic formula. Never give up. Prayer can change lives. Bring your child and your pain to God. Leave them, including the agony of it all, in his hands. He can handle it. He will always answer you – yes, no or wait because he is the great Comforter, the only one who understands you (and your child) perfectly. Talk to him. Tell him you want to trust him to walk you through everything that has happened or will happen. Ask him to help you trust him more. He will. He’s listening and He cares more than you can imagine.

3) Name your pain. Are you in touch with your emotions? Are you confused? Maybe all you know is that you feel horrible. You’re not sure you can take much more. You’re anxious, worried, irritable, frightened, angry, depressed. Ask God to help you identify what is going on inside. Counselors say we have four main emotions: mad, sad, glad and scared. Which one(s) are you experiencing? Take a minute and see if you can identify one or two. Write them down. Making an appointment with a counselor has been helpful to me. Why not try meeting with a therapist if you haven’t done this yet. It’s okay not to be okay.

4) Join a support group or start one. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are two 12 step groups. There are other groups, including ours, listed on our website: Fresh Hope, Hurting Moms Mending Hearts, Celebrate Recovery, and more. There are online groups too and they’re wonderful. Being with others going through the same thing brings great comfort. You find strength from one another and safety in that space to process your emotions. If you are in a better place and think you’re ready to start a group but aren’t sure how, we can help. Send an email to: hope@hopeforhurtingparents.com and we will contact you. Our teammates are available to coach anyone who wants to start a group.

5) Calm down. Take deep cleansing breaths; redirect your attention in a positive direction by focusing on something or someone else; do whatever relaxes you. Make a list and post it somewhere to remind you to do those activities when you need them. Start slow, doing one at a time. One item on my list is to go outside and look at the sky. This reminds me that God is powerful and always with me. Another is to listen to worship music. This soothes me when nothing else can.

6) Prepare for the worst. Think of the worst thing that could happen and face it. Don’t run from it anymore. Stare it down. Facing your greatest fear is scarey, but it desensitizes you if what you fear should ever happen. You’ll still be impacted, of course, but having already faced some of the intensity and weight of those emotions, has a positive benefit. You walked through those anticipated emotions, experiencing something called anticipatory grief.

I did this one day. I faced the possibility of my daughter dying. I grieved her death as much as I could. I wept and wept. Doing so helped prepare me in advance, as much as possible, should that ever occur. Afterward, I noticed the weight I had carried on my chest for so long became lighter. And in the process something unexpected happened:

God reassured me that even if the worst happened and my daughter died, he would be with me. I would never be alone. This was the comfort I needed to be able to cope my ongoing pain.

7) Ask God to show you new ways to cope. Work on making a list of what you could do to cope with your painful emotions. Include activities you like to do to distract, relax or comfort yourself. Post the list where you can see it as a reminder (maybe on your bathroom mirror). Experiment with them to see which ones work best for you. The next time you feel overcome, refer to your list and implement one of the ideas.

In my next post I will share more of what is on my list.

Help From the Bible

Two Bible verses that help me cope are:

Philippians 4: 6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.