The holiday season can be a difficult time for parents whose sons and daughters reject them, engage in destructive, unwise behaviors, or suffer with a mental illness. They’d rather skip the holidays altogether. It’s too hard. Too sad. Too stressful.

Past memories trigger increased longings for what was but is no more. Celebrations and traditions sting. They bring no joy. We wish for the Norman Rockwell experience, but we know ours will fall short.

Is this you? Do you have a plan to help yourself cope? If not, you could be setting yourself up for more pain, disappointment, and heartache.

A prepared heart is the best option.

The best thing you can do to prepare is to think about your expectations.

If things don’t turn out the way you hoped, these 4 questions might lessen your hurt and disappointment. I’ve been in your shoes and I know how hard this time of year can be. Let’s see if this can help.

Ask yourself:

1) How might the holidays be difficult for me?

Some parents dread the holidays. They want things to be better, but nothing’s changed.

They want happy, peaceful holidays. But there’s no sign that this is a realistic possibility.

Will there be another crisis to ruin the festivities? An empty place at the table accentuates their child’s absence. The lack of their presence is difficult to ignore. They anticipate the discomfort of family member’s awkward and hurtful questions.

“How is ___________ doing? What are they up to these days? Where are they? Why didn’t they come?” Anticipate these types of questions in advance and think through your responses. You could even practice saying them out loud.

“They’re struggling lately. You could pray for them.” “I don’t know why they didn’t come. It’s a difficult time. And how are you? What’s new in your life?” A brief reply is sufficient. Everyone doesn’t need to know all the details. Redirecting a question back to them is an effective technique.

Focus on appreciating what you do have, including with your child. Stop talking about how things used to be, dwelling on past memories (good or bad). Instead, choose gratitude for what is and make new memories for the future.

2) What should I hold on to and let go of?

Hold on to love and forgiveness. Love and accept your child as they are today. Forgive them for how they’ve hurt you, but be wise. This doesn’t mean you have to trust them. They need to earn your trust again with consistent actions, not only words.

Hold on to grace. Grace to press on and believe God for miracles.

Hold on to boundaries – the ones you need for your well-being. They’re healthy for everyone, although your child might not understand them–that’s okay. One day they might. My daughter didn’t for awhile, but today she does.

Let go of your need to be in control. You aren’t. God is. Trust Him.

Let go of the fantasy of the perfect family Christmas like the ones we see in movies and television commercials. Say good-bye to the fairy-tale. It’s not real. Be flexible to receive for whatever you have. God is still writing your story.

Let go of your need to understand or make sense of things. God knows. Let that be enough.

Hold your plans loosely.

Release them to God.

3) How can I strengthen myself?

Listen to uplifting music, especially praise and worship.

Read something inspirational every day. The Bible is your guidebook. Hold on to God’s promises as you remind yourself of Truth.

Spend time in prayer and meditation, as you seek God’s help.

Go to a support group. These are some options: Hope for Hurting Parents, Al-Anon/Nar-Anon, Thrive Family Groups, Hurting Moms, Mending Hearts, Fresh Hope (mental illness), NAMI, or Celebrate Recovery. They help you  remember you’re not alone in your suffering.

Take one day at a time.

Be thankful for little things. Start a gratitude list. Add to it daily. Look through the entries on your dark days.

Take a nap to refresh yourself and exercise regularly.

These things will relax and rejuvenate you! Start small. Take baby steps. You’ll thank yourself if you do.

4) What are my goals for the holidays?

Decide what they are and make them a priority. Make notes to yourself and post them where you’ll see them as prompts. The month before Thanksgiving I focus on what I’m grateful for. Afterward, I focus on Advent, the meaning of the birth of Christ. I reflect on God’s goodness and faithfulness. I seek ways to show His love to others in need.

My child is not the whole sum of my life. Therefore, I can find joy and give energy to what’s most important to me during the holiday season.

What will you do? The choice is yours. I hope you will look to God for direction. He wants to help you not let your child ruin your ability to find beauty in Christmas–it’s all about Jesus, right?

The holidays may be difficult, but they can still be meaningful because of Him.

Prayer: Dear Parent, I encourage you to think ahead, prepare your heart, and do what strengthens you. Hold on to what’s needed, let go of what’s not, and set some personal goals for the holidays. If you do, you can lower your stress level and even find meaning in the season.

These Bible verses help me:

From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another (John 1:16).

Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others (Philippians 2:4).

Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past; see I am doing a new thing. . . (Isaiah 43:18-19).

Prayer: Father, help each parent reading this not be overcome by greater sadness, hurt, and disappointment this holiday season. Speak to their hearts. Show them the way to joy and comfort even though their child is far from them. Bless them and their loved ones as they focus on Your Son who came for them. Amen

 

Click here to listen and watch a Hillsong Christmas Carols spectacular on YouTube. A little gift for your heart and soul.