Intense pain gripped my heart when I felt rejected by my daughter.

What can a parent do when their beloved children don’t love them back in the way they long for? Aren’t our sons and daughters supposed to love, respect, and appreciate us for all we’ve done for them? How could they break our hearts like this? Their treatment makes Valentine’s Day one more day to dread as we wade through it, eager to avoid reminders of the past. Is it possible to lessen our pain?

When Will the Pain End?

Parents of rebellious, angry, wayward children; of the addicted, or the mentally and emotionally unstable; of the incarcerated, of those addicted to porn or gaming, or embracing a new gender identity, or of any other disheartening behavior, struggle with deep sadness. We wonder Will things always be this way? I remember what that felt like. I’ve walked a long, rough road with my daughter.

Fear and worry weigh us down. What will the next crisis be? When will it happen?

Valentine’s Day is this week. Overcome with emotion, hurt and disappointment run deep. Soul-piercing pain stabs our hearts even more when we hear about our friend’s children showing them gestures of love and appreciation.

Maybe, you’re like I was. You’ve sunk to a low place where you’re unable to find pleasure in anything. Depression envelops your world. Can I smile or laugh again? Will I ever hear my child say I love you? 

You withdraw from family and friends, not wanting to socialize. Every significant relationship is affected including your marriage and with your other children (if you have more than one). Concentration and focus at work becomes increasingly difficult. The need to control or fix your child consumes your thoughts. They resist any efforts to help, not wanting your solutions …

Not wanting you.

Life becomes miserable. If you don’t take steps to care for yourself, you might lose the will to live. All you want is for the pain to end.

Have you lost hope? Have you lost yourself?

If this describes you, I am so sorry. If you’re in a despondent state, please seek help. There are many resources available for you. Your child may refuse, but that doesn’t mean you can’t reach out for support. I’ve listed a few 24/7 hotlines at the end of this post. You can call them right now and talk to a caring person who will pray for you and point you to the resource you need. I also have a few suggestions of what you could do to lessen your suffering. They helped me when my pain was intense.

4 Ways to Lessen Your Pain:

1. Shift your focus from what you’ve lost to what you still have.

Be thankful for every little thing you do have instead of focusing on what you don’t have. Make a list. (I’ve mentioned the idea of keeping a gratitude journal in previous posts.). Take a close look at each item you record. Over time, when you have a bad day, you can pull out your journal and be reminded of God’s goodness. Your list is an invaluable source of encouragement. Don’t forget to live your own life. You do have one. Your life still matters.

2. Lower your expectations.

When you don’t anticipate expressions of love or thoughtfulness (particularly on special occasions or on any holiday), you won’t feel as hurt, angry, or disappointed if you don’t receive them. Expect nothing, then if something positive happens you’ll be pleasantly surprised. By doing this, you can guard your heart.

3. Look to God for satisfaction.

God never intended for another human being to fully meet all our emotional needs. Only He can do that. Yes, we need people. We were created for relationships, however, God meant for us to look to Him alone for the deepest satisfaction of our hearts, not to someone else.

4. Do something for someone else.

Do a random act of kindness, something thoughtful, for someone in need. Expect nothing in return. As a result, you won’t feel as sorry for yourself. You’ll be amazed how showing a little kindness can lift your spirits, filling you with joy. Helping others is a natural mood lifter.

No matter how you feel, remember this:

You. Are. Loved.

“The favorite place of God is in the hearts of His people.” – Anonymous

The Bible has a lot to say about love. These are three of my favorite verses:

God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son … (John 3:16 NIV).

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness (Jeremiah 31:3 NIV).

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may you have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3: 18-19 NIV).

Prayer: Merciful God, comfort us through yet another holiday that reminds us of what we’ve lost. Thank you for all You’ve done for us, most of all for loving us unconditionally, completely, radically and eternally. Grasping the depth of your love for us and our children is impossible. Your love far exceeds our ability to comprehend. Please help us stop putting high expectations on our children to provide what only You can give. Satisfy us with your never-ending love. Motivate us to show kindness to someone else in need. In Your Son Jesus’ name. Amen.

Resources for you: (listed on our website)

Focus on the Family Help Center – They offer a one-time complimentary consultation from a Christian perspective. They also offer referrals for licensed  Christian counselors in your area. Call 1-855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. (Mountain Time).

Hope for the Heart – Bringing hope and seeing changed lives for over 30 years through radio broadcasts, podcasts, biblical counseling, free downloads and other materials.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – Call 988 if you need help (replaces 911 for mental health emergencies). Help is also available in Spanish. 24/7 including holidays.

**What helps you get through days like Valentine’s Day??

*from the archives