Defining moments change us—and not always in a welcomed way. Parents of troubled teens and adults know about this. I’m one of them. Our lives are fraught with defining moments of the unwanted kind. Mine has been.

I listened to a podcast recently where the speaker talked about defining moments. Their comments got me to thinking, exactly what is a defining moment? Taken literally, we could say it is a moment that defines you. But that’s not helpful. Let’s go deeper. My personal opinion is that a defining moment is an event or experience that has a big impact on you—either positive or negative. The experience plays a significant role in shaping the person you are today.

The moment was a defining one because of the influence it had on you in the weeks, months, and years that followed. The event or experience turned out to be crucial to your development; vital to your growth—for good or bad.

A Partial List

Defining moments could be any of the following: (Many other things could be on this list. I’m sure you will think of several as you look back over your life.)

• A spiritual experience: accepting Jesus Christ as Savior or your baptism
• An illness or accident; victim of a crime
• Successes or victories
• Your wedding day or a divorce – your own or your parents
• Becoming a parent
• A death or significant loss
• A life-changing conversation
• Substantial financial gain or loss
• Accomplishing a meaningful goal

We’ve Been Changed 

You’ve probably experienced a number of things on the list above. If you’re a hurting mom or dad, your child may be the source of many of your defining moments. Your list connected to your child might be a mile long: arrests, school suspensions, 911 calls and hospitalizations, discoveries involving drugs or alcohol, self-harm, sexual promiscuity, pornography, rehabs, unplanned pregnancies, a mental health diagnosis, suicide attempts.

I’ve had more defining moments with my daughter than I care to recall; moments when truth came to light about her struggles and dangerous activities; shocking revelations that left me reeling with grief, fear, and anger. These were things I never dreamed I would deal with in my family, much less with my own beloved child.

They’ve definitely changed me. I’m not who I was before these troubles began.

A Hopeless Resignation?

photo cred. April Hill

 At a conference for hurting parents I heard a seasoned dad say, “You know, after all we’ve been through we’ll never be the same again.” My heart beat faster as I put my hand over my mouth. I didn’t like what he said. His statement sounded like a sad, hopeless resignation. But as the years have passed, today, I think he’s right.

I’m not the same and I never will be again. Neither will you. How could we?

Do we want to be, though? Not me. Why not? Because of how God has used my defining moments—including the awful ones; the ones I thought I couldn’t survive—to accomplish his purposes in my life. They’ve been transformational.

He used my defining moments to grow me; to increase my compassion for those who suffer like my daughter did; to deepen my faith; to teach me more about myself and him; to bring me into a greater intimacy in my walk with him than I’d ever experienced before. And most of all, to give me new focus and direction: to help other parents in pain find comfort, encouragement, and hope by starting our ministry Hope for Hurting Parents.

Embrace the Changes

 You and I have had many defining moments with our children. Many of them we wish we could forget.  They’ve altered us. We’ll never be the same, but let’s embrace the changes. They’re not all bad. Maybe we can even learn to like who we’re becoming.

Let’s trust God with all the experiences of our lives. He can use them for good…every one of them.

This Bible verse gave me hope that he could:

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland (Isaiah 43:19).

Recommended book: A New Kind of Normal by Carol Kent