photo cred. Tim Gouw on Unsplash

Welcome today’s guest blogger, Barb Winters. Barb and I met at a writer’s conference this fall (I also met my last guest blogger there!). Writer’s conferences are great places to meet people who have a message to share. Barb writes to the huge problem of pornography. Not many people are addressing this issue – especially for parents. If porn is affecting your child, I think you will find some help here in her story and the resources she shares.

As my husband and I rounded the corner of our walk and prepared to cross the busy street to return home, we saw our 14-year-old son standing in our front yard, crying hysterically, jumping up and down, motioning to us. That moment is etched in my mind as a pivotal moment—the moment my mom-life changed. As we crossed the street, numerous thoughts bombarded us. What happened? Is his sister lying in a pool of blood? Has someone broken into our house?

When we reached him, it took me a few moments to understand his words through the wailing. I heard him say he had been watching porn. I remember standing in our front yard with the sun shining and cars passing by like any other ordinary day. Yet David* was saying, “I was watching porn. . .
I don’t know, for about a year . . . warning . . . police coming . . .” I felt a gag reflex in the back of my throat as I pieced his words together and comprehended their meaning. His dad couldn’t understand his gibberish, so I was forced to repeat it.

“He’s been watching porn and says he’s been watching it for about a year.”

It turned out the warning on his phone stating the police were coming to arrest him was a scam. I believe the scam was a wake-up call from God.

Our son continued his porn addiction behind our backs for another year and a half, but when he decided to come clean, we were more prepared and had established a relationship in which he felt comfortable confessing to us.

Alone

When I learned of David’s indiscretions, I asked myself how this could happen. I felt tremendous guilt. Where did I go wrong? Where did I fail?

Our children, pastor’s kids, grew up in a Bible-believing Christian home. We taught them right from wrong. While I am not totally naïve—I was a teen once—I believed my kiddos until they proved me wrong. Not only is this biblical (see 1 Cor. 13:7) but necessary for my sanity. Trusting my children is not a bad thing.

But, obviously, something went askew somewhere.

I didn’t know David’s handheld device connected to the internet. I didn’t understand how prevalent and pervasive pornography is in today’s society. I also didn’t realize how curious our kiddos are and the immense pull pornography has over our children.

In addition to guilt, I felt shock, anger and shame.

Mostly, I felt alone.

I couldn’t turn to my friend over coffee and say, “My son watches porn. How about yours?” I searched for a support group to help me cope with my trauma, but I found none. So I suffered in silence, swallowing my emotions so I could parent my child.

 Shocking Statistic

photo cre. Nsey Benajah

As my husband and I proceeded to help David by checking in with him daily, adding filters to our devices, and keeping his mind occupied, I went to work researching pornography and its effects on individuals and society.

I started at Covenant Eyes. They offer educational pamphlets for those who watch pornography and their loved ones. I was surprised by what I discovered.

Pornography and its use is rampant.

 93% of boys and 62% of girls are exposed to pornography before age 18.

When I read this I thought,  If all these kiddos are exposed to pornography, then that many parents have children who are exposed before age 18. I am not alone. Countless parents are tackling this issue. Why aren’t we talking about it?

Healing

As time passed and my son continued his path to freedom, I faced my emotions. I frequently knelt by my bed to read my Bible and asked God to reveal truth to me. I dealt with my son’s betrayal and the ripple effects his problem had on our family. I confronted my guilt and walked through the grieving process. And I came to terms with the fact that my son was a different person than I thought he was.

While there is no “end” to a porn addiction—my son will battle the pull for the rest of his life—this struggle and subsequent freedom strengthened our relationship. I respect him and love him more. I appreciate who He is; his strengths and weaknesses. I look forward to the path God has for him and his future.

Difficult Conversations and 5 Action Steps

photo cred. Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

As I healed, I had a desire to help other parents. Eventually, I started Difficult Conversations: a hopeful mom on her son’s freedom from porn. The site offers hope, support, encouragement and practical advice to parents of children struggling with pornography.

If you believe your child has been exposed to pornography, here are a five action steps.

1)Pause and pray. Take a few deep breaths. If your son or daughter has a pornography problem, it likely did not develop overnight. So, chances are, you won’t solve the situation overnight.

2) Add filters to your Wi-Fi router and all devices in your household and use parental controls on your children’s devices. Every household needs filters—using them is like putting on a seatbelt in the car. See this resource page for filter suggestions along with more educational material.

3) Love, educate, and communicate. Remind your child you love them—often. Educate yourself and your child on the ramifications of pornography. Open a line of communication with your child and talk with them regularly about pornography.

4) Take care of yourself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Our parental duties don’t stop because we are in pain, but taking time to nurture yourself will result in better parenting.

5) Find a friend. I get it. This is a difficult topic. However, it’s important to find one confidante, whether they’re a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor.

For more action steps, sign up for the FREE PDF: 7 Actions When Your Child Has Seen Porn on my Difficult Conversations website.

*(not his real name)

Barb Winters lives in FL, is a wife and parent of four children, loves writing, photography, playing games with her family, and going to the beach. She helps parents of children who struggle with pornography. Contact Barb at hopefulmom619@gmail.com or visit her website at Difficult Conversations.