photo by Rui Silvestre on Unsplash

It’s not easy for a parent to stop enabling and let go, but when your child is involved in self-destructive choices, you need to because it’s the right thing to do—for you and for them. When you do, you can help your child become a mature adult. They can learn to fly on their own. And you can take back your life. That’s what I needed to do. What about you?

The Bible says, Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go (Joshua 1:9  ESV). I needed to remind myself of this many times over the years. One big reason was due to the destructive choices of one of my children.

I’ll never forget how my husband remained cool and composed when our 19 year-old daughter Renee told him she wasn’t “done” with alcohol, although I knew he was dying inside. She had struggled with self-harm, alcohol, drugs and mental health issues for several years.

We Knew What We Had to Do

photo cred. Anja on pixabay

“Renee, honey, you don’t get to choose what done might mean. Done could mean jail, an institution or worse—dead.”  I shivered with chills as the hairs stood up on my arms.

“I know dad, I know. I’m so sorry.” Was that a tear in her eye?

There was no anger. No yelling. No angst—just honest admission on her part, and the heavy burden of an unknown outcome on ours.

She ran back upstairs to get a few of her things, taking two at a time the way she used to do when heading out for a soccer game. We knew what we had to do. We couldn’t make her stay or be “done”…we had to let go and not enable out of fear.

A few minutes later she drug two large, black trash bags down the stairs stuffed with her belongings. I wonder if her favorite razor blade is in there?

As she walked away that evening, our hearts ached like never before, but God helped us remain calm, and find the strength to trust Him.

How do you respond to having no control? Do you get angry or loud and try harder? Do you become depressed and fall into despair?

It’s not your fault, unless you encouraged your child’s behavior and aided in their destruction.

These 3 things could help you stop enabling and let go:

1. Stop trying to control. You can’t. You’ll drive yourself crazy and your child too. Change isn’t easy. Your behaviors may be a pattern you’ve had for a long time. You might need the help of a counselor or a good support group.
2. Decide in advance what you’re going to do and what you’re not going to do. Remember, enabling may make you feel better, but in the end it only helps your child deny their deep problems. If you’ve played a part, it needs to stop.

3. Accept that you can’t fix your child—they have to want to change. You can’t force it on them.

Remembering this will Help

photo cred. Ricardo Jimenez on pixabay

Please remember this: Any control we think we have is an illusion.

The only thing we really have control over in this life is ourselves. There’s nothing we can do to make our children want to change or speed up the healing process, but God is at work where we cannot see.

Dear anxious parent, please reprogram your self-talk. Then you can rid yourself of thoughts like, “If I just did___________ or told them ___________” or “If we could get them to___________.”  Instead, print the phrase God is in control on your forehead and look in the mirror a hundred times a day if you need to.

Grow strong so you can let go, stop enabling, and change unhealthy patterns. How? By accepting the truth that you are not in control, but God is. And nothing is too hard for Him.

I am the LORD, the God of all mankind, is anything too hard for me? (Jeremiah 32:27).

*Today’s content is a collection of excerpts from chapter 9 “Let Go” in my book You Are Not Alone. Copies can be ordered through our website.